oh shit i just remembered that i have to go out for dinner tomorrow night
i have an english assignment where i have to write and ad for a restaurant and we're going there tomorrow night for dinner.
shitshitshit
ok well ill just order the side of seasonal vegetables considering caffe primo SUCKS and has no vegetarian food except risotto and i hate risotto.

yaaay seasonal veggies.

feeling pretty good about weighing myself tomorrow morn
ive exercised my face off today
i deserve to have lost now.

im really motivated not to eat because after i ate lunch before i was all depressed and stuff for hours.
i actually felt better being hungry and being full
physically and emotionally

TOMORROWS PLAN
B: weightloss shake
L: apple, MAYBE, depends if i have to have dinner or not. if i do.. then no apple
D: nothing OR a bit of whatever mum makes. heres to hoping its got meat in it so i dont have to eat it yeaaah

My mum made me eat pasta for lunch
and its not ok, i feel like a massive failure
i tried to purge but not alot came up.. and now my chest hurts

i have so much homework to do but really i just want to exercise in my room all night
i was finally back down to 58kg
i cant believe thats ruined now!
im never going to get below 58. this is ridiculous.
its only 1:40 in the afternoon so i know i have plenty of time to finish my homework and then exercise but im just not motivated for homework anymore, only exercise.

i want this food out of me.
there is NO CHANCE that i am eating dinner tonight. no way.
make me feel better, something!

Posting on my hiptop againnnn.
58kg straight this morning.
Thank god I'm back here after binging like a fat person for 3 days.
2 days of binge-free september down, just 28 to go!

I decided that if I don't binge this whole month, ill allow myself to have a piece of cake on my sisters bday (oct 5th)

Yeaaah
Today I've had a celeb slim milkshake for breakfast and I'm going to have an apple for lunch.
No dinner.
Come on 57.8!!

I'm really motivated today so should be good.

OH JEEZ.
THATS EASY
TASTE!
THEN I WOULDNT LIKE FOOD.
now im getting excited that i wont be able to taste anymore but its not going to happen
unless i shave all my taste buds off my tongue... or burn them.
:|

Hm hm hmmmmm
On the bus home from town and I'm really bored.
There's a guy on my bus laughing but its that sound your throat makes when you're sucking/gasping for air. Kinda sound like a hiccup. Yep. That's how he laughs and its really freaking irritating I wanna stab him in the face.
So I bought a whole heap of celeb slim shakes today (yaaay finally found them) and a shaker bottle thing. Lovely. Its blue.
Having one for dinner tonight since my mum now works every weeknight and doesn't know if I don't eat dinner. My dad doesn't get home til 6.30 so I just tell him I already ate dinner.

Going to weigh myself when I get home. I don't feel as fat as I did this morning so hopefully that shows on the scales. I have to finish cleaning my room then ill go for a run for as long as my damaged ankle will let me. Then some homework and dancing before bed.

I can do this. I am not even tempted by food anymore. It doesn't interest me and I don't crave it. No binging this month!

So today all I've had/will be having is...
5 almonds
3 dried apricots
1 celeb slim shake

And about 45-60mins of exercise
If I don't lose I will hunt that laughing man down and I really will stab him in the face.

Almost at the right bus stop.
I purposely caught the wrong bus so that I had a 15 minute walk to my house.
Yeeeey.

On my hiptop and I'm too lazy to use my thumbs for typing so I'll make it short.
58.8 this morning.
Not happy or angry because I don't really know what I weighed yesterday because it changed so much.
I think I have internal bleeding in my foot but its ok, I'm getting xrayed today.
Apparently I snapped a piece of my bone off and that piece lodged itself somewhere in my ankle joint. Yeahhh and its been there for a year. That's why I can't run for long before my ankle gives in.

Point being 0-400cal a day and 60mins exercise.
For this month at least.
If I succeed then all of spring.
I hope it gets warm soon.
I took off my red beaded ana bracelet because I'm a failure. Once I'm back at 58 then I can have it back.
I'm like a parent punishing a child only I'm the parent and the child at the same time.








Yeah its cold.

SO IT TURNS OUT
that eating 'normally' actually sucks

Yesterday I had
carrots with dip and
some pizza

because I was feeling quite ill and had to eat to refrain from my throat foaming up and choking me
yuh

so i wake up this morning and i weigh
FIFTY NINE POINT FUCKING FOUR
thats a gain of 1.4kg

fuck, for once im actually completely glad and thankful and happy that i have an ed
maybe thats fucked up but today i dont care
i want to wake up tomorrow and that 1.4kg will be gone
because i am not eating today!!

tomorrow is september, lads
binge-free month
seems like an easier goal than
food-free month
so anyone with me?
if you binge during september you have to lick in between the fat folds of an obese person.
so yuh dont binge.

ihatefood
bababababababa.

PS i have a huge ass and its not getting any smaller :(
PPS max said i was curvy FFSSSSSSSS

ugh i feel so fat from that pumpkin soup.
it was only 100cals but i feel like shit
aaaaaaaaagh
the way i feel i am NOT going to still be 58.2kg in the morning
ew

So this is a survey I copied and pasted while lurking on proana
decided to fill it out

 

im so angry!
firstly at myself
i had a salad and some veggies for dinner
but like
alot of it, i mean ALOT
theres no way i can burn it off tonight
im such a failure

and im angry at my boyfriend
hes all like
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO SUPPLEMENT MEAT IN YOUR DIET?!"
and im all like get off my case ok
and hes demanding i tell him now what i plan to go for protein and iron and whatever
and like
i have no idea
but he can talk, his diet consists of.. mcdonalds, kfc, hungry jacks, meat, meat, meat, coke, chocolate ANYTHING HE CAN FIND, ANYTHING HE WANTS. Just because he doesnt gain weight, doesnt mean hes killing himself any less than i am
and like omg ffs
he should be GLAD im even eating!
what a big GRRR im so angry right now
im not talking to him at the moment
immature, i know, but its the only way im going to cool off

oh and another thing with him
my BMI i like 22 and his is like 18 or 17 or something
UNDERWEIGHT!!! and hes all like DONT LOSE WEIGHT YOULL BE UNDERWEIGHT, THATS BAD
no shit, go eat some potato you skinny bitch



sorry
really needed to vent

going to miss seeing 58 on the scales tomorrow
il be back at 59, no doubt

aaaaaaaah life is shit

but this week will be like BOOT CAMP
max starts his first week of full time work so i dont see him all week..
next time he sees me i will be smaller
i want him to notice for once
i want everyone else to notice for once
to look past my huge boobs

my mum looks at super skinny girls and says "that poor girl, that is so sad, she looks horrible"
and i think "i admire her control and her dedication. i wish i was as determined and in control as she is"

hah god i hate myself.

so today i weighed in at 58.8kg
i thought i screwed up big time but i guess i didnt screw up as much as i thought i did
or maybe i burnt it all of dancing last night

today ive had
B: nothing
L: small bowl of sultana bran cereal with a tiny bit of skim milk
D: mums making roast so ill be having veggies

been a while since i posted stats
age: 17
height: 164cm or 5'4" ish
highest weight: 63kg or 139 pounds
highest bmi: 23
current weight: 58.8kg or 129 pounds
current bmi: 22
Goal weight 1: 55kg or 121 pounds (bmi: 20) (at least by september 22nd)
GW2: 50kg or 110 pounds (bmi: 19)
GW3: 48kg or 106 pounds (bmi: 18)

is it normal that im starting to get bruises really easily?
i had tough skin before and i never bruised, even when i smacked my face into a solid steel bar
but now i have 3 bruises on my legs and i dont even know how i got them
the last time i remember that happening was in like year 8

omg im watching some fat guy on this video eating as many cream donuts as he can
he eats nine!
NINE!!! thats fucking rank
im not even eating it and I want to heave!!!
fuck this guy would rip my fucking DD bras in half
HIS TITS ARE HUGE
ugh fat people are so disgusting
dont they realise they could like not eat for a year and they would survive on the mass amount of fat surrounding their internal organs

so glad im not THAT rank

I went over my limit today.
ugh im such an idiot
i know it could have been worse, i think i had about 700 cals today
but ive been exercising all night and i walked around town all day today for 3 hours so i hope it will be ok.
i just got on the scales and it said 59.4
so im lower than i was this morning... does that mean ill be less tomorrow morning?
part of me hopes so
but another part of me hopes ive gained because i need to be punished for not sticking to my plan

i wrote my goal weight on my hand and people keep asking me what it means
i just tell them i like the number but they look at me strange
i think theyve finally caught on that i hardly eat at school and when i do its only an apple at recess and no lunch

what i had today:
apple
pepsi max
coke zero
1/3 of a felafel, tabouli and salad wrap
1 shortbread biscuit
less than a serving of sultana bran cereal

god i really hope i can burn it off
im such an idiot
i feel like a big fat failure
im never going to be under 55kg by schoolies if i keep doing this

tomorrow... i dont know what ill do
i dont know whether to fast or not
max is coming over at lunch time so i guess he'll want lunch
ill have a garden salad i guess
then nothing else for the rest of the day
i have a party to go to so i can skip dinner, ill just have coke zero all night
no alcohol - too many calories
if i have 2 drinks ill be over my limit so no thanks, ill just stick to coke zero

im watching videos about super morbid obese people - its really motivating me to try harder.
come on 48!!

lol sorry my fourth post today
i actually love my 50cal chicken noodle soup.. so much that i think i could live off them
yeah thought everyone would like to know.

OMG SO MOTIVATED
im finally under 60kg
I'm 59.6 yesss
this is the lowest ive been in like a year

i was really hungry so i decided for dinner id have one of my soups and half a piece of flat bread = 130 calories

so today ive had 340 calories.
thats good, my plan is no more than 400
I need to find out how many calories is in a bottle of vodka cruiser because im going out saturday night
if its too much ill just have diet cokes.. alcohol isnt everything
i want to be sober and non hung over for sunday anyway so maybe i will just go with diet cokes.

restricting again tomorrow and fasting saturday and sunday i think
wait, i think ill have a salad for lunch on saturday and thats all

tomorrow i think ill have salad wraps
cucumber, tomato, carrot and beetroot wrapped in lettuce leaves
yay

WANNA BE 58 BY MONDAY!! 1.6kg in just under 4 days
i can do this!!!!!

21 hours into my however-long-i-can-last fast
ive always screwed up at 23 hours, every time
but i just got some motivation
i dont know where it came from
maybe its because i keep an hour tally on my wrist
and just looking at the mere 21 strokes on my wrist, i felt accomplished. proud, even.

Ive worked out that if i argue with myself in my mind "have some food, not you really dont want it youll feel like shit tomorrow, just a bit, NO!"
then i actually waste so much time that i never get around to eating.
i think ill have a shower to calm down though
i really want to weigh myself again.. i think im obsessed
ill shower and weigh myself and post once ive found out.
please be the same or lower PLEASE.

Why is it that I have so much motivation at school and when I'm out with friends (I mean like seriously, I don't eat when I'm out)
but when I get home, all that motivation seems to have gone out the window.
I just want to eat and eat and eat when I get home and its so hard not to. I don't understand myself.
Maybe I should just live at school. That would make everything so much easier.
But then I wouldn't have livejournal or anything.
I'm sick of making all these plans and not sticking to them.
I want this to work this time. So I've tried to convince myself that what mum makes for dinner is gross. It kinda worked, I actually made myself gag.
I've had 210 calories today and i DO NOT want to have any more.
I have alot of homework to catch up on so hopefully if I just focus on that all night, I wont be tempted to eat.
I have diet coke here. If I drink the whole bottle quickly, I'll feel full for a few hours. I'll start drinking it just before dinner time and I'll tell dad that I already had it. Oh the perks of having a dad who works all day shifts and a mum who works all night shifts.

I want to buy so many new clothes but NO, i cant, not until im the right size.
I have 31 days to lose at least 5kg, I NEED to do this. i CAN do this.
By the way, I'm 60kg today, down .5 from yesterday.

DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, K-J!!!!!

fuck, im never going to be skinny
im so gross and im just going to keep getting fatter
i dont want to get out of bed ever again
next 2 week holidays, im spending all my time either; sleeping or out with no food or money
and im going to walk everywhere
no shit, if one of my friends wants to go to town, ill leave 2 hours early and walk into town
i dont care how sweaty i get!
i want this so bad but ill admit it, food is controlling me
i fucking hate this